My Mom...and other things

I just dropped my mom off this morning at the airport to fly back to the Westcoast after a 5 day visit. It's funny how when we spend so much time together we get a bit tetchy, but the second she'd gone through the doors into security at the airport, tears sprung into my eyes and I didn't want to let her go. I love my mom so much. It makes me so sad to know how unhealthy her heart and her lungs are. The air here in Calgary is so dry and it was pretty chilly when she first arrived and trying to breath she had tears in her eyes and I was scared that I would have to take her to the hospital. I am so thankful that for the 5 days that she was here the weather was uncharacteristically warm, otherwise it would have been quite difficult for her to be here.

I am quite disappointed with myself as I look back on the 5 days my mom was here. I cherish my mom, but I am not sure that she would know it by how I behaved. When my mom was slow (she needs to walk slowly as not to tax her heart and lungs or breathing becomes difficult), I would be annoyed. When she coughed or needed to smoke (she's quitting and is smoking 1/3 of what she used to. It's very hard, she began smoking when she was 13 and nicotine is more addictive than cocaine, don't judge her), I was short and abrupt and sometimes downright rude. I think this has been my coping method for years and years. My worst nightmare has been that my mom would die young due to smoking and all the complications it brings, and then when I needed her most she wouldn't be here to love me and to be loved. Who would help me get ready for my wedding (someday), and tell me all the little things I need to know about being a mom?? It scares the shit out of me to think that she might not be around for my whole life. So when I get all annoyed at her habit that has stolen so much LIFE from her is pisses me off more than I can express and it hides all the fear. If I didn't get annoyed and angry, I would cry all the time and be filled with worry. BUT...the thing is...my annoyance and anger is with the HABIT not her, but I am afraid that it seems like I am annoyed and angry with her. Mom I am not angry with you.

Lord, as I write this I am filled with fear and I need to know that you have my mom in the palm of your hand and that you will protect her and keep her. Dear Jesus please, will you heal her? I beg you Jesus to restore life to her. And please help me not to be scared, but to trust in you so deeply that all my fear is swallowed up by your love so I no longer will any fear that I need to hide by anger and annoyance and can just love my mom.