It's funny that when I am not busy and don't have a million things on my agenda, I wish to be busy. Who in the world wants to be busy?! Today I was busy and rushed, and I can't tell you how many times I uttered profanity. I was impatient as I drove, impatient as plowed my way through Ikea and I have to say, that I don't like the person I become when I am busy and rushed. Is that why the world is full of a bunch of jerks like I was today? Because everyone is busy and rushed? We really do need to learn to slow down, relax and learn how to wait well, learn how to deal with things out of our own control and just breathe. Maybe we should take siestas in the middle of the day too, then tired wouldn't have to be added to busy and rushed.
Despite myself, today ended well.
Saturday, November 20, 2004
Monday, November 15, 2004
Shut Down
do you ever feel like every direction you turn you get shut down? I am beginning to know the feeling. I stand here before God saying over and over that I am available and I pick something up and it gets taken away. I get shut down. It's frustrating, but at the same time I can see that God is teaching me things...(I hope i'm not too daft to get it all!). I have realized that my pride is hurt everytime I don't get to do something and then I think, if I wasn't prideful, my pride couldn't be hurt. God please deal with my pride.
As well...I'm just not good at waiting. It's hard to wait when you feel like you should be doing something. Even harder when you think that the people around you think you should be doing something. I could very easily do lots of things, but I know I would be doing them simply to distract myself from waiting before God and letting him work out things in me and teach me.
My friend Corey said just last night (as we had a planning meeting), that I needed to be protected! I was a bit surprised by her saying that and asked what I needed to be protected from. As she went on to explain, I completely agreed with her. She said I would do everything that came my way and do an good job at it all, but basically in the end, it would keep me from what I was meant to do. I just wish I knew what I was meant to do, because at this point as things keep getting taken away from me, I'm feeling that must not be capable of anything. oh the lies! It gets so tiresome to keep combatting the lies, but so essential. I know God has a destiny for me and I can feel it in me, wanting to burst out and BE!! At the same time, I know the NOW part is to wait and let God unfold and reveal the beauty and exciting things he's planned for me to do. Ah the joy and frustration of working it all out. When do I get to be me?...whoever that is.
As well...I'm just not good at waiting. It's hard to wait when you feel like you should be doing something. Even harder when you think that the people around you think you should be doing something. I could very easily do lots of things, but I know I would be doing them simply to distract myself from waiting before God and letting him work out things in me and teach me.
My friend Corey said just last night (as we had a planning meeting), that I needed to be protected! I was a bit surprised by her saying that and asked what I needed to be protected from. As she went on to explain, I completely agreed with her. She said I would do everything that came my way and do an good job at it all, but basically in the end, it would keep me from what I was meant to do. I just wish I knew what I was meant to do, because at this point as things keep getting taken away from me, I'm feeling that must not be capable of anything. oh the lies! It gets so tiresome to keep combatting the lies, but so essential. I know God has a destiny for me and I can feel it in me, wanting to burst out and BE!! At the same time, I know the NOW part is to wait and let God unfold and reveal the beauty and exciting things he's planned for me to do. Ah the joy and frustration of working it all out. When do I get to be me?...whoever that is.
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